How I learned nothing in school!!!

External Goals. These are deeply rooted into our upbringing. Sitting down with parents the conversation wasn’t “what did you learn today” it was “what grade did you get on it.” In grade school we spent weeks of our educational time preparing for the MEAP where we here educated on to fill in bubbles and doing our ‘best’ on a test because the state needed to know who deserved the most money. The state would take head counts and the money for a school district would be based on who actually showed up. What about no child left behind. Shouldn’t we be putting forth twice the effort to pull that kid out of ‘non-existence’ according to the states financial assistance.

I remember our teachers even saying that they didn’t much care for the MEAP time and all this stuff. It was beyond our understanding. We were thrown into the system with thoughts that it would hold us close and keep us safe like our parents did. But into middle school and high school I became very confused and didn’t feel very much cared for. I didn’t understand what I was going through. A form of PTSD as a result of constant mental abuse from the system. The routine beatings of information that I in turn spent all of my time rejecting. The non-consensual information prodding, penetrating, and lacerating my once vulnerable and once open minds; Forming a thick scab over all of my sensory receptors. I became numb and attached myself to any flashy electrical impulse I could get off to. The pressure was unbearable at times, this is a large reason why I escaped. I went traveling, my best friend chose heroin. We both just needed some perspective, to understand what the heck had just happened to us for the first 18 years of our lives. Like Helen Keller I feel like a world was pressing into me that I didn’t understand or know how to interact with or even if I wanted to, so all I could do was scream and slash out from a bitter internal rage that I didn’t understand.

This is how society teaches kids to kill themselves, to use drugs, to watch porn and the punish them for seeking out the last thing that gave them any sensation at all. This is how sociopaths are created. In the united states individuality is the ultimate, a competition. If no one is around to pat your head here... you feel like shit. No one is connecting with you unless you are constantly advertising yourself here.

communicating

“We are closer in life that we think we are.” I think this is true, I believe that we are all interconnected that we all have these things buried deep down. Those lines on the faces of old people that we don’t really understand that we slowly begin to recognize in ourselves as we get older.

Looking at templates. Growing up I had little encouragement from my family or anyone to go to school. But I spent my time out of high school observing people. Happy people, sad people, wholesome people, lost people, all types of people. I try to identify what it is that makes them that way and what makes me this way. The people I have found to admire the most are the people who are curious, who want to keep learning.

“the only thing constant about the human condition is that the human condition is constantly changing.” Each moment, each thing has an imprint on my life. I am not the same person as I was yesterday or even five minutes ago. I am a porous being. I am constantly receiving information from various directions of various types. In sound, in sight, in smell, in taste, etc. All changing who we are. Often times unnoticeable on a small scale but on a large scale, looking back I have changed so much from a year ago, and even a month ago.