“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Lately I've found myself crippled by anxiety.
Time.school.homework.work.money.money.
friends.family.phone.internet.cleaning.noise.
free market. bills.feelings... the list goes on.
Sometimes it gets so bad that my breathing
gets so shallow and heavy that I need to sit down
Torn between what I would like to do
and what I am actually capable of
learning to balance
all of these things a carousel in my head
It's hard for me to sit down and do one thing
because I feel guilty about all of the other
things i haven't done
So i get nothing done.
I had never experienced an anxiety attack
until last year. And since then they have been
a reoccurring thing for me.
Big grocery stores like Meijer or walmart
are hard for me to get through.
I know a little bit of anxiety is completely
healthy and natural
Like a final exam that your not ready for
Should stress you out
But I feel that in the hussle and bussle
of my life in the city I feel i have had
an unhealthy and unnatural amount of
worry and anxiety
Now that I am aware of my anxiety
I am trying to take steps to control it
I am really in to 'food as medicine'
so i looked up a list of things that are
good to eat if you tend to have bad anxiety
and I found them to my surprise (or maybe not)
Mostly the types of foods i've been attracted
to lately: walnuts, banana's, chocolate, greens
One of the weirdest things I've started craving is
Soda water
"Soda water increases the levels of carbon dioxide that helps the body to become balanced when someone is hyperventilating. Soda water also decreases smooth muscle contractions and dilates blood vessels, which allows blood to flow easily around the body."
Last year when I was have the worst of my
anxiety attacks I took up drinking soda water
I had no reason why I would suddenly crave
a beverage I used to think was 'dumb' and
identified with yuppies that were too good for the tap

The ocean, the beach, Grand Haven, the waves.
Comforting & timeless
constant & consistent
swells and retreats as it swells up some other place

It could have been anytime at anywhere

I imagined the time that Joe made me carry him
through 18" of snow so we could test our luck
at the frozen lake michigan shore

Or naked in chicago with familiar strangers
and 'social lubricants'

Or setting off fireworks under the ice

Come to think of it I only have good memories
associated with going to the beach


I picked up a stone that washed ashore
and put it in my pocket
I like collecting little things that
can fit in my pocket

"I wish I had a corporate sponsor for my life."
-Klaus

I dozed into a drift
dizzied and dazed
waiting, my grace
saving, your eyes

anxiously tearing apart

fish bones from leaves
give me life
for what I destroy
must create
right right right?

Hush.

I wanted to hold on to it a bit longer

I went to the place you warned me of
of whispered snow
of melting glows
The distant is here
throbbing in my hand
uniform
dripping like cumulonimbus
hiding our sins
for a moment
everything stops